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What Your Favorite On-Mountain Bathroom Says About You

Napkin drawing and photo by Tess Wood. 

There’s the common ski bum goal of one day making millions with a job that offers a favorable powder clause and the opportunity to conduct business meetings on the chairlift. But lucrative partnerships, sealing real estate commissions, or whatever else professionals are doing on the average work day, isn’t the only kind of business to be found on the mountain. There’s the “business” that everyone—lifties and vacationers alike—take part in every day. You know what I’m talking about…seeing a man about a horse. Dropping the kids off at the pool. Hitting the head.

Where at the ski resort you prefer to do your…business… can speak volumes.

The Ancient Mid-Mountain Lodge

You prefer the commodes of the ancient mid-mountain lodge. Usually found in the basement of an A-frame or similarly dated architectural form, there is some comfort and nostalgia found in the fact that it smells like the local ski area bathroom should. Unfortunately, it also smells like the local ski area bathroom. You are one who enjoys the entrenchment of tradition and take an if-it-ain’t-broke approach to most everything. You’ll ski in any conditions, and goddamnit you’ll enjoy it, whether you like it or not.

The Outhouse 

The simple outhouse-style huts that dot the mountain at convenient intervals. They get down to basics, the luxurious ones are heated, and the subtle updraft from the pit is at once startling and a bit refreshing. Something one might call the Gros Ventre bidet. You appreciate the simple life, but also toilet paper. You don’t need frills on your ski day; just a nice wire basket to hold your gloves while you use the loo. You’re also a keen enthusiast of environmental protection and not a waster of resources.

The Hotel Lobby Bathroom 

Let us not overlook the uber-fancy hotel lobby bathrooms, which aren’t meant for your ski boots but you don’t care because you’re feeling rebellious and fancy. You might be a ski bum but you know you deserve motion sensor faucets, plush benches to house your gear, and if you’re really lucky: free tampons. You’re a classy broad (or gent) who enjoys the finer things in life. Roll-play excites you; being sneaky but also being seen is an all-too-seductive dichotomy and Lord knows you just love giving in to temptation.

The Woods

And lest we forget, nature’s bathroom: any tree of your choosing. You’re up for a challenge but at the same time appreciate the ease of immediate gratification. You don’t like being told what to do any more than you like being told where to go. Stay wild and free, my friend, just don’t inadvertently flash any kiddos on the animal trails, because no one likes a sex offender.

So go forth and do your business; take pride in what your choices say about you! Though keep in mind this might just be for your own edification. As the wise, wise Kathryn Merteuil says: “Everybody does it; it’s just that nobody talks about it”. Yes, I know she was talking about something very different, but I think it’s applicable here. Sure as shit I’m going to read into where you conduct your business but I’m pretty confident that I don’t want to discuss any of it with you.

From The Column: From One Bum to Another

About The Author

stash member Tess Wood

Tess got herself stuck in Jackson seven years ago, and can usually be found skiing (alone, or with a gang of small children), eating snacks, or hustling her doughnuts on the black market. She is very good at pulling off granny panties, mumus and pantsuits with shoulder pads. She is not good at sharing.

You prefer the commodes of the ancient mid-mountain lodge. Usually found in the basement of an A-frame or similarly dated architectural form, there is some superior papers review and nostalgia found in the fact that it smells like the local ski area bathroom should.

I think that coffee should be a kick starter for everyone because eduberdie can help you concentrate from the beginning of the day and it can be great sometimes.

And lest we forget, nature’s bathroom: any tree of your choosing. You’re up for a challenge but at the same time appreciate the ease of immediate gratification. You don’t like being told what to do any more than you like being told where to go. Stay wild and free, my friend, just don’t inadvertently flash any kiddos on the animal trails, because no one likes a sex offender.July calendar
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